-
1.Where you’d live
Where you’d live — which city, and whether with their mother, near her, or on your own.
Why it is found out too late
In our families this is rarely a two-person decision, and it is the one most often assumed rather than asked. One of you pictures their mother’s house; the other pictures a front door of your own. Two people can agree on everything else and still come apart on that in the first year.
The words
Can I ask you something practical? When you picture us married — where are we living? Which city, and are we with your family, near them, or on our own? I’m not asking for a promise. I want to know what you’ve been picturing.
What to listen for
Listen for whether they has pictured it at all. “Wherever you want” sounds generous and is usually an answer they has not thought about. A specific answer you don’t like is worth more than a vague one you do.
-
2.Their family in your home
Their family in your home — how much hosting, and whether a sister or their mother might live with you one day.
Why it is found out too late
Hosting is honour in our culture, and it is also labour, and the labour lands on the wife. The difference between a family that visits and a family that moves in is one nobody names until the suitcase is in the hallway.
The words
I want to ask about your family and our home — not to set rules, just so I’m not surprised later. Do you picture anyone living with us, now or one day? And how much hosting do you imagine — because I’d rather plan for it than come to resent it.
What to listen for
Someone who has thought about you as well as their mother will answer both halves. Someone who only hears the first half as an insult to their mother has just told you where they would stand when it comes up for real.
-
3.Whether you’d work
Work — whether you’d keep working after marriage and after children, and what they assumes about home.
Why it is found out too late
Most of our men will say “of course” and mean it — until the first baby, when what they actually assumed surfaces. The question is not whether they minds you working. It is what they pictures happening at home while you do.
The words
I want to be honest about something. I intend to keep working, including after children, and I’d want to know now if that’s something you’d struggle with — not in general, but in practice: who does what at home when we’re both working?
What to listen for
Ask the second half — who does what at home — and watch whether they has an answer or a joke. The joke is the answer.
-
4.Money sent home
Money — who pays for what, and what each of you sends home to family every month.
Why it is found out too late
Nearly every Somali household sends money home, and nearly every couple discovers the other’s obligations after marriage instead of before. It is not about generosity. It is two families’ expectations landing on one income, unspoken.
The words
Can we talk about money plainly, the way our parents never did with us? What do you send home each month, and to whom? I’ll tell you mine. And once we’re married — do we decide that together, or is each of ours separate?
What to listen for
You are not looking for a number. You are looking for whether they will say it out loud, and whether “together” comes easily or makes them defensive. Someone who can name their obligations can be planned around. Someone who won’t, can’t.
-
5.Children
Children — how many, how soon, and whether they’d speak Somali at home and go to dugsi.
Why it is found out too late
“Inshallah, when Allah wills” covers a wide range of very different lives. How soon, how many, Somali in the house, dugsi on Saturdays — these are decisions, and they get made whether or not you make them together.
The words
When you think about children — how many, and how soon after we’re married? And what matters to you about raising them — Somali at home, dugsi, what they’d call your mother? I want to hear what you actually picture, not what sounds right.
What to listen for
Listen for whether they has pictures or only phrases. Pictures can be talked about. Phrases cannot.
-
6.Deen, day to day
Deen, day to day — prayer at home, what “practising” means on an ordinary Tuesday, and what they expects of you.
Why it is found out too late
Two people can both say “deen comes first” and mean completely different Tuesdays. One means fajr together; the other means Eid and Ramadan. And what they expects of you — hijab, mixed gatherings, music in the house — is something they has an opinion on, whether or not they has said it.
The words
We both say deen matters. Can I ask what that looks like for you on a normal day — prayer, and the things you’d want in the house and not in it? And is there anything you’d expect of me that you haven’t said, because you assumed I’d know?
What to listen for
The second question is the real one. Note whether the answer is specific, and whether it is about them as much as about you.
-
7.The aroos and the mahr
The aroos and the mahr — how big a wedding, who pays, and what your two families will expect.
Why it is found out too late
The wedding is where two families’ expectations meet in public, with money attached. Couples who never talked about it end up carrying a debt, or a resentment, that was never theirs.
The words
I want to talk about the wedding before our families do — what you imagine, what’s realistic, and what you think each of our families will expect. And the mahr: I’d rather we discuss it between us first than hear a figure through somebody else.
What to listen for
Watch whether they treats it as something you two decide, or something that will be decided for you both. Either can work. You just need to know which one you are marrying into.
-
8.Qabiil
Qabiil — whether either of your families will make it a question, and what the two of you have said to each other about it.
Why it is found out too late
Most of us say it doesn’t matter to us, and most of us are telling the truth about ourselves. The question was never about you two. It is whether either family will raise it — and whether they will stand next to you when they do.
The words
Can I ask something we’re not supposed to ask? Will qabiil come up — from your side, or mine? I’m not asking whether it matters to you. I’m asking what happens if it matters to someone in your family.
What to listen for
“It doesn’t matter to me” is the beginning. What you want to hear is what they would do if it mattered to their uncle. Someone who has never thought about that has never had to stand up for anyone.
-
9.Going back
Going back — whether they plans to move back one day, or spend long stretches away, and whether you would go.
Why it is found out too late
“One day I’ll go back” is something many of our men say and mean, and the wives find out what “one day” means when the ticket is booked. Whether you go with them, stay, or split the year is a marriage-shaped decision.
The words
Do you see yourself moving back one day — or spending months at a time there? I’m not asking you to decide now. I’m asking what you actually picture, because I need to know if I’m in that picture, and where.
What to listen for
Listen for whether you appear in the answer. “We’d figure it out” means you are not yet in the picture.
-
10.A second wife
A second wife — what they believes about it for their own life, and what they has said to you plainly.
Why it is found out too late
It is asked far less often than it should be, because asking feels like an accusation. It isn’t. It is one of the few questions where the answer decides the shape of the rest of your life, and where “it is permitted” and “I would” are very different sentences.
The words
I want to ask you something straight, and I’m not accusing you of anything. What do you believe about a second wife — not whether it’s permitted, but whether you’d ever want that for your own life? I need to hear it from you, in your words.
What to listen for
You are listening for a plain sentence. A lecture on what is permitted is a way of not answering. A plain “no” and a plain “I might” are both answers you can build on. Only the lecture isn’t.
-
11.When the families disagree
When the families disagree — whose side, and how it gets settled between the two of you.
Why it is found out too late
Every Somali marriage has two families in it, and at some point they will want different things. The marriage that survives is the one where the two of you decided, before it happened, that you are a team first.
The words
What happens when your family and mine want different things — about the wedding, about where we live, about anything? Between us, how do we decide? I want to be a team with you before we have to be.
What to listen for
If the answer is about keeping their mother happy, or keeping yours quiet, the team is not yet them and you. That is fixable — but only if you both know it.
When you don’t know your own answer yet
You can’t ask for an answer you don’t have yourself. That is not a failing — it is the most common state on this list, and the most fixable.
Before I raise this with you, I’m working out what I actually want here. Give me a week. Then I’ll tell you plainly, and I’ll want the same back.
Write your own answer down before you ask for their. Otherwise their becomes yours by default, and you find out in year three that it never was.
When you have had them all
Agreement from six months ago is a memory, not a contract. Closer to the day, the answers move.
Can we go back over the things we agreed on, now that it’s closer? Not because I doubt you — because I want to make sure we still mean the same things by them.See which of the eleven you two have had →