Before you say yes · three of the eleven

Three of the eleven conversations to have before the families do

Wada hadallada muhiimka ah. The important conversations, before the families have them for you.

A sample. The full guide has all eleven →

The apps ask who is available. These ask what the two of you have said — where you’ll live, money sent home, who is in the house. Found out after the families are involved, any of them can be harder to say no to. These are three of the eleven, asked early. Read them separately first, then together; the words are for either of you to say.

Made by Niyyah, a marriage product for the Somali diaspora. Free, needs no account, and nothing you read or decide here is recorded. The interactive version keeps your answers on your own phone unless you choose to send the two-sided sheet to your partner; the app also has a guide that uses an AI model; this page does not. The eleven include qabiil and a second wife, named as such — we take no position on any of them.

  1. 1.Where you’d live

    Where you’d live — which city, and whether with their mother, near her, or on your own.

    Why ask it early

    Whether this is decided by the two of you, or with a family in the room, is easy to assume rather than ask. One of you pictures a house with family in it; the other pictures a front door of your own. Two people can agree on everything else and find out only once the lease is signed that they pictured different homes.

    The words

    Can I ask you something practical? When you picture us married — where are we living? Which city, and are we with your family, near them, or on our own? I’m not asking for a promise. I want to know what you’ve been picturing.

    What to listen for

    Listen for whether they has pictured it at all. “Wherever you want” sounds generous and names no city: ask which one. A specific answer you don’t like is worth more than a vague one you do.

    AgreedWorked outStill openA lineNeed help

  2. 2.Their family in your home

    Their family in your home — how much hosting, and whether a sister or their mother might live with you one day.

    Why ask it early

    Hosting is honour, and it is also labour, and somebody carries it. The difference between a family that visits and a family that moves in is easy to leave unnamed until the suitcase is in the hallway.

    The words

    I want to ask about your family and our home — not to set rules, just so I’m not surprised later. Do you picture anyone living with us, now or one day? And how much hosting do you imagine? I’d rather we plan for it together than have it all land on one person.

    What to listen for

    Listen for whether they answers both halves — who lives with you, and how it would be for you. If they hears only the first half, as an insult to their mother, you have seen how they hears it when it is raised. Say the second half again, plainly.

    AgreedWorked outStill openA lineNeed help

  3. 3.Money sent home

    Money — who pays for what, and what either of you sends home to family.

    Why ask it early

    Money sent home is easy to leave unsaid until after the wedding. It is not about generosity. It can be two families’ expectations landing on one income, unspoken.

    The words

    Can we talk about money plainly? Do you send money home, and who to? I’ll tell you mine. And once we’re married, do we decide that together, or does each of us decide our own?

    What to listen for

    You are not looking for a number. You are looking for whether they will say it out loud, and whether “together” comes easily or makes them defensive. Someone who can name their obligations can be planned around. Someone who won’t has not given you anything to plan around yet.

    AgreedWorked outStill openA lineNeed help

The other eight

Whether you’d work, children, deen day to day, the aroos and the mahr, qabiil, going back, a second wife, and when the families disagree — each with its words, in the full guide at joinniyyah.com/guides/before-you-say-yes.

See which of the eleven you two have had →