Before you say yes · three of the eleven

Three of the eleven conversations to have before the families do

Wada hadallada muhiimka ah. The important conversations, before the families have them for you.

A sample. The full guide has all eleven →

The things that break Somali marriages are almost never the things the apps ask about — where you’ll live, money sent home, who is in the house. They get found out after the families are involved. These are three of the eleven, asked early. Read them separately first, then together; the words are for either of you to say.

Made by Niyyah, a marriage product for the Somali diaspora, built by a Somali. Free, needs no account, and nothing you read or decide here is recorded. The interactive version keeps your answers on your own phone unless you choose to send the two-sided sheet to your partner; the app also has a guide that uses an AI model; this page does not. The eleven include qabiil and a second wife, named as such — we take no position on any of them.

  1. 1.Where you’d live

    Where you’d live — which city, and whether with their mother, near her, or on your own.

    Why it is found out too late

    In our families this is rarely a two-person decision, and it is the one most often assumed rather than asked. One of you pictures their mother’s house; the other pictures a front door of your own. Two people can agree on everything else and still come apart on that in the first year.

    The words

    Can I ask you something practical? When you picture us married — where are we living? Which city, and are we with your family, near them, or on our own? I’m not asking for a promise. I want to know what you’ve been picturing.

    What to listen for

    Listen for whether they has pictured it at all. “Wherever you want” sounds generous and is usually an answer they has not thought about. A specific answer you don’t like is worth more than a vague one you do.

  2. 2.Their family in your home

    Their family in your home — how much hosting, and whether a sister or their mother might live with you one day.

    Why it is found out too late

    Hosting is honour in our culture, and it is also labour, and the labour lands on the wife. The difference between a family that visits and a family that moves in is one nobody names until the suitcase is in the hallway.

    The words

    I want to ask about your family and our home — not to set rules, just so I’m not surprised later. Do you picture anyone living with us, now or one day? And how much hosting do you imagine — because I’d rather plan for it than come to resent it.

    What to listen for

    Someone who has thought about you as well as their mother will answer both halves. Someone who only hears the first half as an insult to their mother has just told you where they would stand when it comes up for real.

  3. 3.Money sent home

    Money — who pays for what, and what each of you sends home to family every month.

    Why it is found out too late

    Nearly every Somali household sends money home, and nearly every couple discovers the other’s obligations after marriage instead of before. It is not about generosity. It is two families’ expectations landing on one income, unspoken.

    The words

    Can we talk about money plainly, the way our parents never did with us? What do you send home each month, and to whom? I’ll tell you mine. And once we’re married — do we decide that together, or is each of ours separate?

    What to listen for

    You are not looking for a number. You are looking for whether they will say it out loud, and whether “together” comes easily or makes them defensive. Someone who can name their obligations can be planned around. Someone who won’t, can’t.

The other eight

Whether you’d work, children, deen day to day, the aroos and the mahr, qabiil, going back, a second wife, and when the families disagree — each with its words, in the full guide at joinniyyah.com/guides/before-you-say-yes.

See which of the eleven you two have had →